On dreaming and disappointment

How is this not a good idea?

Levi and I are both dreamers. And daydreamers. And doodlers. And all of those other similar things that you can think of.

We both like to imagine the "what if's" in life: What if we moved to Alaska? What if we opened a downtown microbrewery/bakery open 24 hours a day for classy beers and bagels? What if we had a herd of goats one day, and we had a ready supply of fresh goat's milk and grass-fed meat? What if we had a green roof and half our house was built into a hill so the goats could mill around on our freakin' roof?!

Now, some of these are more realistic goals than others (and some of you might be asking yourselves how goats walking around on our roof is realistic, but stay with me, oh, brave reader). And we're usually on the same page about how much of our planning is just silly, fun dreaming (microbrewery/bakery), or real ideas that we hope can happen one day (goats on the motha' flippin' roof!).


Sometimes, though, life presents us with chances to start dreaming and hoping for tangible things. Things that could happen in the near future. Things that we could actually see ourselves doing within our means and that make perfect sense (even more sense than those awesome goats).

Lately, we've been given a number of reasons to hope. But in just the past week more than one of those hopes has been given a big ol' "NO" from the Big Guy Up There.

Now, we'll be the first to tell you that both of our lives clearly point to how amazing it has been when God has said "NO" to something.

When I wanted a job in Wichita, God said "NO." I ended up in a little town where I had a lot of heartache and a lot of growth (from some other devastating "NO"s from the Lord). I learned some lessons that led me to search very specifically for a man online, and that led me to Levi. And the heartache I had in that town and the lessons I learned there very, very specifically helped me understand his heart, his past, and his (then) current situation. I wouldn't be with Levi if God hadn't shut those doors.

When Levi was applying for jobs out of grad school he tried for ages to get something in his favorite areas of the country. God said "NO" to him over a dozen times. It was incredibly frustrating and disappointing. When this opportunity up in Minnesota was finally presented to him, he took it with relief and a sense of adventure, but he kept wishing he'd been accepted somewhere else. Then he made friends with his co-worker who told him about online dating. Then he signed up and stuck with it for only a two week timespan before giving up. And then I sent him a message just before he deleted his account.

Without those "NO" answers in our lives we would not have ended up where we needed to be to meet each other and fall in love. So we fully understand the joy (strange as it may sound) that can come from a "NO."

But that still doesn't stop that feeling of letdown and disappointment when one occurs. And these have been particularly hard blows to confidence and self-worth and, yes, dreams.

We don't let it destroy us or get us down (for too long), but the pile-up can begin to get hard as we wait for a "YES" or even a "I'M-GOING-TO-HAVE-YOU-DO-THIS-WHETHER-YOU-LIKE-IT-OR-NOT."

But this time? It sure is nice to wait together. And dream of goats. On the motha' flippin' roof.