Thursday, October 23, 2014

I'm not a girl, not yet a woman. Wait, I meant mother.

If you were an aficionado of early 2000s teen pop, then you are already well aware of what I'm about to confess to you.

I just straight up referenced a Britney Spears song in my title. Yep. I went there. Don't know what I'm talking about? Allow me to take you back:

Man. Remember when Britney used to be so earnest and, dare I say, wholesome? Ah, how things change.

Anyway, you're probably wondering how all of this is relevant to this post. Or you might be joyfully reliving Britney's glory days and couldn't give a hoot about what the rest of this post has to say. If that's you, then you are most welcome, my friend.

For the rest of you unswayed by Miss Spears' charms, I present the rest of this post.

Have you ever reached that point where you feel like there's something missing? And that something missing is another human being who will call you "mama"? As is probably obvious at this moment, I am at that point. Oh boy, am I at that point.

What exactly does "that point" look like?

It's the point where having a baby actually sounds, dare I say it, exciting. Where seeing tiny little humans tripping and stumbling after their mothers and fathers gives you a deep longing inside. Where the thought of sticky kisses and sticky handprints on your jeans and sticky everythings no longer makes you shudder with dread. Where you find yourself ready to set aside all of your own wants and needs for the opportunity to meet the wants and needs of someone completely dependent on you.

For some ladies, that point is evident to all around them. These ladies "oooo" and "ahhh" at every little munchkin they see. These ladies use words like "darling," "adorable," "precious," and "sostinkincuteIjusthavetosnugglehimrightNOW." These ladies love swooping up babies and filling their lungs with that glorious baby smell that makes their uteruses (is that the proper plural for uterus? I've never had to write such a thing before) tingle. These ladies live and breathe motherhood like they were born for it. Likely these ladies have always enjoyed babies and now it's on insane overdrive.

If you couldn't already tell, I was never one of those girls/women. Now, I kind of wish I had been. Now, I fall into that camp of women who find themselves desperately wanting to be a mother and having no experience at all with babies and children. I didn't play with dolls of any kind as a girl (unless Beanie Babies counted). I didn't babysit. I didn't have any younger cousins to get used to. I didn't have any babies around me at all until my college girlfriends started popping them out.

Now, if a woman near me has a baby with her I live in this strange double world. One part of me is eyeballing that little cutie as hard as I can so I can so I can soak up every little hair on her head and desperately wishing I had a cutie of my own, while the other part exists in near mortal terror that the aforementioned woman will notice my regard and actually try to hand me her baby. I cannot imagine anything more petrifying.

It's a strange world to exist in, no doubt. I do have some precious (that word comes out of my mouth with alarming regularity now) nieces and a nephew that I would love to practice with, but, alas, they literally live on the other side of the country. Considering that we didn't find a secret gold stash when we demo'd the basement, I just don't have the means to see them regularly.

And now, finally, to the crux of the matter.

Now, I find myself feeling exactly like the post title says. I have never been a maternal person, and yet I want to be a mother more than anything else in my current existence. I am no longer a girl, and I am no longer that woman who wants to be free. I have a ball and chain (Mr. Hottie McTottie, Levi), and I want to add to it. I want to latch on even more weight to anchor me down, and I want those things to be children. And I'm not there yet.

I'm praying about that a lot these days, and I'm also praying that when the time comes, however the Lord wants it to happen, those maternal feelings and instincts will spring up as if from nowhere. Here's hoping!


What about you? Were you just naturally inclined to all things mother/baby? Or were you completely uninterested in tiny humans until something blindsided you one day?


Keep it real,

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